Stuck in a corner

I am a survivor of tbmc and a target of the affects of remote influence either thru technologies or human efforts. I have been bullied into a corner. Really I have been in a corner for some time but found ways to deny it or amuse myself.
Always there was the hope that one day there would be a future or a safe place to stay. I now believe that neither will ever be a reality…I mean I knew that but I kept hoping anyway.
I am so expendable I think and have no support that its just a matter of waiting for the perps….I have sensed that strategically they are just biding their time.
I have been given a few choices.
To drift off into true mental illness.
To accept my circumstances ( a perp actually said this to me in a hit and run harassment one night)[its where they bait you, have a conversation, then reveal they are harassers for the ‘organized stalking system’ or system that wishes to silence and alter survivors].
I cant really do either one. But existing trying to function like this…it cant be done anymore. Every time I get a room or in the shelters..it just isn’t safe unless you agree to take some subservient job way beneath your capacity, even after damage to your system your going to be fairly bright(IF ALLOWED TO BE AND NOT CONSTANTLY DENIED STIMULATION).
With all the info on the Internet it seems there is no REAL help for survivors. The only thing they have done for people like me is to keep us alive a few years longer..and I am pretty sure now its to experiment on us. Perhaps to play with us as toys, someone said to me ” your not a toy ” like they knew who and what I was but the way I have been treated over the last few years disgusted even them!

I would not be surprised if expendable tbmc survivors were put up for sale or used for experimentation and the torture itself was marketable to some sadistic jerks out there..its always simultaneous multi purpose it seems.

I feel very left out in the cold. Like just left out of life. Every time I turn around its another insult or humiliation. Like the torture doesn’t end.
There was a movie that came out and a person I now realize had shown me a very specific list of movies while hanging out with him, showed me this movie The Exorcism of Emily Rose. I looked up the original case of the German woman the movie makers claim its based on. Well, I saw the movie and its not based on her solely. It is a movie meant to say to all survivors of tbmc programming who are now in this program whatever it is where you are stalked, harassed and tortured everyday and the tech is used on you as well, which is torture no one else can see. That movie, thank god I did not see it when it came out, is to brainwash targets who are deprogrammed survivors to go along with what is happening and see it through till the end just like dumbass Emily in the movie. They’ll have you bucking for sainthood if you let them. Really all they are doing to you, the victim, is getting you to be tortured to the end of your threshold-I think that is what the experiment is about. It is one of the descriptions of MK Ultra.

They just leave you no way out. In shelters-you get harassed and set up. In roommate situations , you end up with people trying to handle you and dominate you
with mind control tactics. I had a group try to re-create my family environment recently. The same sick dynamics. I refused to be scapegoated and I was told not to stay there if I did not like it. (!)

So you have to go back to ‘sleep’ or go insane. That is the only choices I am being given. And god forbid you get active again with something that is true activism not a containment area or a dead end…you’ll be harassed all over again like years ago. I thought they were toning it down recently, but it was becuz I had settled into a pattern they found desirable now I see, but if you take action and start doing something serious to advocate for yourself again…forget it. They will have everyone crawling all over you again.

They are desperate to reformat the personality. They felt they almost had me I think, with the constant become a nurse/medical worker suggestions. Another job not fitting my true personality which would guarantee I be miserable and frustrated–and taking care of people I notice. Serving people. Sometimes I wonder if they are not trying to reformat the persons soul as well.
Perhaps this is an effort to help me survive..like if in a medical job w/ the coming economy I will at least have a job in a needed field.

I was told a while ago that I would die in November of 2008. This is weighing very heavy on me now. Like as of the end of this month, its all over me. I am being pushed to tell my story with the idea that I am going to die. Its like someone is trying to squeeze the information out of me.

I cant even focus on a place to live all I do is write, but what good would it do to rent a place? Why so the people you live with can mind game you and start to handle you? Or if they are not perps you wont get the place at all anyway. What, so the person who owns the boarding house or apartment can enter when you are not there and mess with your stuff and the other dangers that come with that.

It never ends..and worst of all they don’t want me to commit suicide. Perhaps not until next month when I give up completely.

Its harder to be a harassed survivor I guess when you don’t have financial or familial support. When everyone sells you out…I mean the campaign against me was really nasty. I was never given any help even when I asked for it, and I was harassed into having to deal with it myself. Its so..uncomfortable.

The only story they’ll get out of me is a testimony that I was tortured into telling my story under torture and threat of death. I have heard that these nasty people want you to tell them everything that you know so that they can have the upper hand if anything comes of it later. Its forced intel gathering.
ALot of people who have been through this via ‘gang stalking’ are dead now.

I havent been doing well lately..I’ve been slipping. I realize now what is going on, and I also realize there is very little that can be done about it. You just keep getting pushed into this darkness. I am tired of being afraid and I am tired of the feeling of pure hate energy being at me all the time. When you have a truck with guys in it ride by you around a corner at night w/one screaming “I HATE YOU!!” its pretty bleak. You have to remember that we are made to believe that everyone who sold us out hates us, the public hates us and the strangers who are perps hate us. Its too much. You just wither away from this hate campaign. What is astonishing to me is not that people would do this, that does not surprise me. What does is that the lovers and family who sold you out would not be fucked up by their decision to leave you to such a horrible fate..I mean didnt these people love us at one time? The least they should want to do is put us out of our misery if we were suffering…like these are at least the people who would want to shoot us to put us out of suffering type of thing..dont they realize what organized stalking DOES to a person over time? I sincerely hope that they have not convinced themselves in thier denial that I am merely going insane and am mentally ill. Sorry, too many people told me what was up and lots of other revealing information. I have been validated too many times to believe I am the one who is mistaken. I am being systematically destroyed via harassment and stalking. Deceptions and hate.

Perhaps the people around me who sold me out are convincing themselves not so much that I am truly mentally ill and imagining it, perhaps they are so evil that they are convinced the public at large will believe that and that is all that matters to in the end pull of a plot of evil design….and gaslight someone to death.

So with all this info there is still such denial and intimidation when denial does not work, that there is not place safe for a survivor/target. What is most annoying is that only a few survivors admit to being harassed as targeted individuals. Its like on the web for the most part, those two issues are kept secret…HOW IN THE FUCK ARE YOU GOING TO KEEP REPEATED FLY OVERS OF HELICOPTERS A SECRET? ITS F*CKINGNOISY AS HELL. OR CONSTANT FIRE ENGINES, CARS BEEPING, TRUCKS OFF A HIGHWAY JACKING THEIR ENGINE….HOW IS THIS BEHAVIOR EASY TO KEEP A SECRET?
I think its more a case of people ignoring it to avoid being targeted. Yeah, big f*ckin secrets.
Give it up..

How ’bout forced secrets..like forced suicide (do we see the pattern yet kids? )..

Do you honestly believe I could get a place to live, not be harassed or controlled via manipulation and go to school? Does anyone really believe that? Becuz all I have seen is day after day of harassment that does not seem to let up and will not until I get worn down and take that mental illness ‘way out’ of the situation. There is no going to school for me..unless of course I am doing what is desired of me by the oppressive system like become a home health aid or a nurse. Two jobs that ensure that the feminine ideal is preserved and nothing aggressive is undertaken. I am far too much of a natural athlete and a painter by temperament to do those jobs that are beneath me. I will not take care of people anymore unless I decide how I will do so with my time and energy.
I highly suspect my sociopathic mother is in on this. She did say in the beginning that she was interested in the way my mind worked, and as I was being harassed she would say things like ” oh, R__, cant you see they are conditioning you.” Like she was soooo much smarter than me. No, I didnt see it outright…why dont you help your kid and tell me what is going on…she is so damn programmed that she genuinely never sees that these are not her own actions. The poor thing was so traumatized that she…she never faced the programming, the memories in order to break it. Programming is like The Dragon. You have to play St. Michael…and look it square in the face and calmly not run, but dominate with strength at its presence. That is also the essence of the Hate energy that is thrown at us. It can be handled.
But lately, I just dont know what happened. I keep trying to pinpoint just when I lost my strength. Like when I got so weakened.
All I know is that I am in that state. Things are being played out in a way that is meant to seal that weakened state…to make me stay weak and robbed of energies for the rest of my life.
So the thieves can keep what they stole as their own I assume. Its more than just MK ultra with alot of us. Its this ancient system of robbing an energy charged person of her energies.
I just looked up the long and lat of the place I fled to after the mold exposure, of course it was upon perp suggestion. At first I thought it was just part of the fram up which I figured out soon after..but now I see in the Big Clocks Time, in ancient ritual time, it might have been for another purpose.

The location is Tempe AZ. There is someone with a theory on the Internet that alot of human sacrifice sights are on certain points of lat and longitude. I was skeptical, becuz everyone loves to pick on The Masons. But according to my experience it makes sense…and I will never believe that the Masons as a group at the lower levels know about this sort of thing. I prefer to leave the group unnamed, as it is unamed anyway right? Of course it is, becuz no one can name them readily? (HA!) Everyone keeps naming Masons or aliens or….listen the people putting those names out there dont even furnish any sort of research materials on these groups. Like you’d have to really break it down to get it right…its on the web its just complicated. People dont like complicated. They want the bad guys named and that is it. Its not that simple. You’d need concrete proof. Everyone knows that something is going on and bad things are happening.

Really someone like me has to say that I am powerless, only becuz they keep me from my free will and power. Like I said, dont believe me? A day in my life consists of so many damn diversions and difficulties. Its not normal life, believe me.

There are alot of people who screwed me who are getting along very well in life and this is the system of oppression they are going to depend on the rest of thier lives to protect them from me- from me getting justice for myself really, but they area just what gang stalking.ca says they are criminals who join together for protection and profit and to silence a victim witness. I will never be allowed to have any sort of life that I deserve in comparison to what they took from me as a very large group in total. I have seen the way some of them live now and as I was sinking in the quicksand of this system I saw some of them just starting to really get going on acquiring things. I am sure everyone from my mother to family members to others close to me are enjoying life, succeeding (THAT is a guarantee with this system) and living well. Everyone has gone off and left me for dead…the whole world has changed and I have been left behind.Really, how else could any of these people competed with me unless they had a villain come and hold me back for a while. With what I was discovering I was capable of if I could have used my abilities from programming in the arts or to heal??? STILL being young and attractive? Oh yeah, alot of jealousy got its way.

Good thing I will always be hooked into The System (not the gang stalking system) ..and becuz of that I must be ignored, oppressed and kept under a heel for the rest of my life. Or at least until I am no longer full of fight, any intelligence to speak of, or youthful good looks. Alot of that is going now anyway. As I fade all my enemies make good for themselves. Its worse than death, and that is what I least understand about it as a system. The people around me never hated me THAT much.
I can only think that maybe the mc thru tech that is out there is really part of their lives and their behaviors.
I watch people walking in the cities now….in the subway and on the street. Something is wrong. They are robotic and depressed, like they are drones..I know this is Boston but sheesh. It was never this bad…or was it?
Something is seriously off here. Its like invasion of the f*kin body snatchers sometimes, excepts I know its got to be the damn tech.
All I want now in life is an apartment with now pets, no children, and NO cell phone reception. Already my system is saying ‘go underground’..like when animals move when it gets uninhabitable.

Its kind of obvious yer being targeted when the train goes into the underground tunnel and right at that moment the torture lets up slightly. And I notice you cant sleep or linger too long in the subways. uh huh.

Why they just dont kill some of us I will never understand. I know I have a time line theory , that they can perhaps alter it with force but if the person dies they will screw something up radically. I dont know, maybe they simply want to know how much torture or pain you can take so your kept alive. Its hard to say sometimes.

Whoever is doing this is very stubborn about their behavior modification system. I mean they will just keep on tryin to get you on that shelf where they think you belong. OK, so I am left out. I am forced into a nursing job. Other people who have money are allowed to go on with what they want to do as a free will career choice becuz why? If the economy gets bad then they have a net so they can protect themselves? I mean this is one of the rationalizations my mind comes up with.
That does not explain away the torture and deceptions that went on.

I mean this is how they get people to talk..by sleep deprivation and harassment; torture, isolation.
I still say this is forced deprogramming and cruel forced integration, socialization. All by force it seems. I cannot imagine that they expect the person to have any sort of a life after this whole operation. Unless you genuinely forget about all that has happened and float into compliance. For me though there will be a horrible sort of Alzheimer’s due to the mold exposure and the trauma of the harassment. I have heard that basically this is what is desired. So really I have no sort of future–but why did they not allow me to go on with my suicide programming?
Perhaps they want to know all they can about programming before they get rid of a survivor. None of it ever really ads up totally. Like it all makes sense on all the different levels its functioning on at the same time…really human sacrifice and people needing to keep me down to get where they want to go makes the most sense.
I know one thing. If I had been left alone and encouraged I could have had a nice little life for myself by now, not this as it has turned out.

Another thing I do not appreciate that the system is pulling is that it is demanding that I give up all the love I ever had for anyone in my life and even my memories of people I was close to..if I keep trying to hang on to memories then the betrayal of those loved ones is going to kill me. I know this is hard to believe for some reading this but over the years the perps actually always do things to keep those emotional memories alive–like fresh wounds. We are talking day after day for years. This is what in part drives a TI out of thier minds and burns them out emotionally. I want to say that it is only psych outs and perp interactions with a target that accomplishes this but it isn’t. There is some tech involvement.

To the best of my recollection, I have had times when I have been emotionally suffering, in the area around the heart-under it, where we feel emotions. Think if when you were frightened quickly-that surge that goes down your middle in that area. It’s an emotionally charged area. I have been sitting there just reliving memories of betrayal that are kept alive by the perps in different ways, and actually like a note on an instrument that is being played too loud or too hard with too much intensityy, it is too much and it is unnatural but I wont sense it as I am going thru the torture. I have actually seen one time a vehicle go by, notice I am in way too much agony like I am starting to express it physically by being unable to stand up straight or rocking back and forth obviously suffering and after it is noticed that I am being pushed too far( or maybe that people will see something is wrong) after the vehicle went by, took note, I noticed a short period of time after it felt like someone simply turned something down on a knob. Human emotions dont work that way-its not natural. All I can think of is that the tech has some way of playing with human emotion. Either that or they are using good old fashioned psychic attack and control by pro powerful psychics to torture the TI. Maybe both…either one is arrogant and takes away a persons free will.

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~ by onmc on October 31, 2008.

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