My story II

I am in a hurry often so the title is lame I know.

At age 6 is when I had the start of memory that was in a timeline. The only memory befor 6 is of an outdoor concert at night (in the 70s these were regular events) and me being whiney becuz I kept saying I wanted to see backstage, when I can see my mother telling me that she had just brought me from seeing it. The odd thing about any memory from this early on in childhood is that it is out of it was filmed from a third point of view or something. Years later I would realize that most of my few clips of memory from before 6 were out of my body. Which now explains why I was whining to see backstage or whatever I wanted to see. Becuz I either didnt recall I was already really disaccossiative. Perhaps this is natural to human children..we are new to this plane at that point. But if a child is more prone to this perhaps this is the quality described that is desirable for mind control projects. Or maybe I had been made that way by then by trauma. I cant be sure…I couldve gone through early memories to find out and was going to start that process when I got heavily targeted.

So I recall my foster home as a place where Christianity was pushed much to my mothers disapproval. She as a non practicing baptized Catholic was so abused by the nuns and the old Catholic system as a child she wanted nothing to do with religion. I was given lots of religious childrens books but due to something natrual in me, it never took. It seems light hearted and silly really. I tolerated it, becuz at least everyone was aiming for peace and being ‘nice’. However, the final decision was made in me when at Sunday school once they told us to write down what Jesus had said on a cue card. I simply asked how we knew he really said those things, and I was taken by this young teacher to a seperate room, the door was closed behind her and me, and as I sat in a chair this grown up’s pretty face took on an animal-like demonic quality and she violently told me to stop questioning and “just write it down”. Something very strong in me that was natural to my family line lost all respect for her and her belief system. If she has to act that way, she is suspect-and that is the end of YOU my dear.
I dont recall if I wrote it or not but knowing me if I did, I blocked it out becuz it would have been humiliating at that point. As years went on I have very suspect feelings towards this Sunday school. There was much unhappiness acossiated with that time and place and I did rebellious things there. I recall I did not catch a bus home once and I recall now that I did not becuz I had blacked out on it. I know myself by was an act of self preservationist rebellion I bet..then I dont recall for sure so I cant say.
As I say memories are very like a flash before six.
There are lots of memories of my mother leaving me with others to babysit couples. It was just disconcerting I think to always be with strangers no matter how nice they were.
The foster home had other things wrong with it that wouldn’t be clear until years later. Nothing truly major physically, but all geared towards trauma. Now as I do my best to catch memories as they leak these days, even through the living under duress and damage from mold exposure there are things I know are truthful extensions of clips or a whole memory.
Alot of this would be programming treatment of a child.
I suspect there was a spiritual marriage in one part of my programming and I wont get into it but it seems sort of…amateurish. Like historically this is not a legitimate occult system.
There would have to be a spiritual marriage becuz this is ‘the dark haired man’ in the suicide programming sequence…this person is the little girls father and the grown womans husband. This is a typical ownership ritual in cults to ensure mental keeping of females. This is the man that one reaches up to in ‘the castle in the sky’ and suicide/death IS the reaching up to this man of memory.
Confusing I know but I will explain suicide programming later..

So obviously alot hidden in the years before 6 that could never be recalled…and obviously was inconvenient to someone to ever BE recalled.

I grew with my mother and there was a stepfather briefly who brought some college mentality into the environment which I responded to well. He was dedicated to us, but I dont think he knew what my mother was like really. Years later after deniying my warnings he sure the hell would find out face to face. Part of her was pure beast and I was used to dealing with this but he was…a bit naive. As she was about men like him who dont want to exist for the moment but want only to social climb in life which my mother has no idea how to do properly nor does she have the inclination. She was an individual and he was more a herd animal. That is why she was always unhappy, she was always kept down..harassed into being a herd animal when she was a lion. A crime against nature really.
When they started fighting and it was going downhill she kept asking me if he tried anything weird ever. The guy was a half way decent guy, he never did anything out of sorts..except start taking up her cause when she really started in on me at like 17 or so. By 18 she had him completley brainwashed and they were both at me. Knowing her she used some sort of manipulation to get a result she calculated. I knew however that she was scared at that marriage falling apart and she just started clawing. So I moved out and let the two of them really see what was going on. I gave it 5 years or so..once he saw who the real problem was and not blaming ‘the kid’ anymore all the time, she would have no one to abuse but him and he would see. They had a messy divorce about 5 years later.
One of her biggest set backs was the controlling family of origin. She could never get out, never break free of control. She wanted to mold my step father into her own father, to have him take on thier ways. Reallly I look back now and see that she was entering her late 20’s and early 30’s…and if this is intergenerational it must have been confusing for her. I think the 80’s was confusing for every boomer..most of which had no prior plans of even living that long. By the late 1970’s an entire generation was on the disco floor convinced that a cocaine induced giant mother ship was going to land right in the middle of the disco and take everone away to some paradise..some finalization of the 60’s wish for peace. By the 80’s we had to deal with a group of people waking up to the greatest hang over of thier lives-thier 30’s. The 1980’s, run by a new era of 20 somethings who’s music was unfamilira and must have stung as cold and technology based. We found ourselves coming into our teenage years surrounded by people who were just starting to realize they will grow old like thier parents…jealousy of our youth set in and it was a war from then on. We were no longer these cute dolls they could take anywhere to concerts and travels, we actuallly required thought now and alot of boomers were just starting to think of themselves. I think it scared them, the cold light of day flooding in all around them. Everyone started playing catch up and if we didnt behave we were stuck into tough love programs more suited to the task of getting 30-40 year old addicts clean, not experimenting kids. But jealousy does strange things, and this is a generation that never really thinks beyond what they have discovered as a good idea-then it must be good for the whole world.
I much prefered the 70’s in some ways. It really was a time when people were trying to find some sort of way to live together as a post 60’s. I recall that every fire hydrant in Boston was painted to look like a small child and I really believed that they were real other little kids..or some primitive human expression of other humans like an Easter island type of statue. There was alot that the boomers brought out into our culture that was very primitive artistically speaking. In alot of ways they really geared the whole world to us, thier children. There was artwork everywhere geared towards children and things to make us believe that the world was ours becuz it was now theirs. Jeez, our poor about tolerant. But thier stories about no such thing as hugging or kissing between people. Nanny would iron your clothes or do other things if she cared. There was no physical showing of affection way way back. It think even the WWII generation were grateful for this return to humanity.
Funny, that people were possibly abusing thier children so intimately but not displaying positive shows of emotion outwardly.

Anyway, I have gotten off really writing which of course I SHOULD BE DOING INSTEAD OF BEING HOMELESS AND TARGETED.

Really I cant figure out how to fight daily and write this..its too much. I can do abridged, an outline but often I get into a draft of an auto bio and its hard. I dont want to leave this computer. I just want sit here all night and keep typing. I dont want to go to the shelter and I dont want to be around non thinking non creating people.

When you are targeted its hard to understand what the perps want that might be positive. You look at the way you are treated and the things that go on and there is nothing positive about it. You have to come back out of your own existence and keep saying to yourself that you are a survivor of tbmc and that is what this is all about.
Which is very hard becuz none of this should be happening. I should not have to go public to survive…my story should be mine.
But that is how the perps win the game everytime. Survivors give up thier precious selves to survive.
So typical of them to rob you of everything.


~ by onmc on January 25, 2009.

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