Survivors and holidays, b-days/some memories, some venom for betrayers and enemies

http://www.fortrefuge.com/Ritual-Abuse.html

I had a whole post written around this subject but it mysteriously got erased with NO autosave of the draft as something made my screen go back to sign in page.   It was pretty damn convincing to and articulate.

I think that all the people, all  the activists who post things or write websites are jammed or messed with and thats why only part of the story is ever told or thier writing seems like consipiracy theory or like its not believable.

Today I seem to have a reprieve, not from being targeted as right now I am fighting being jammed very badly- after that post dissappeared I felt differently, couldnt recall most of what I had written to re write it again and am literally battling feeling like passing out to sleep or feeling so much induced ‘sorrow’ it feels like I am fighting being paralyzed.    

The constand sexual stimulation or some stimulation inside the  female organs, higher up than the genitals but somehow very connected to the pleasuer centers, along with near constant badgering to go out and throw my life away in the sex industry again. It just never stops hardly ever.   Its ridiculous.  These jerks are so desperate to get me under control again and discredit me it just doesnt stop.

There are very sick and controlling people in on this who want me to have a rich life with money.  At the expense of my Will of course.  They are so obsessed with looks and beauty that they would rather choose for an attractive person what thier life should be, than to let them be themselves.

These are the types that come up to me on the street in Boston while I am panhandling and say shit like “Rachael you belong in the Four Seasons not on the street”, yeah as long as I am controlled now that I have been beat down and conditioned for years.

I notice that as I was killing off my alter ego, the one who could work and not really be ‘present and accounted for’, when I threw all her clothes away, all the sexy dresses and shoes, that the system came after me brutally and only when I dressed in heels or a sexy outfit once in a while I was not harassed around my apartment in Brighton MA and that included the absence of police harassment.
I realize now that all these bastards wanted to do was to take however long it took over the years following to break down what Will and Self was there and all that lifetime of core energy and Self that was compartmentalized. Draining my anger seemed especially important.
They dont honestly believe that I am just a whore or that I come from perverts so I only have limited choices in life as I have to be one for a living. If they really believed that they would not have had to destroy me and condition me partially using classical conditioning methods to destroy the other parts of my personality or other qualities I had. It would have been easy for them to just scoop me up into the lifestyle again.
Also I destroyed that alter-ego Alter for a reason. She no longer functioned and could not longer serve her purpose in the system. I know it sounds exactly like what the system is doing to ME but there is a difference between a person killing created alters or parts of themselves and other human beings killing off or destroying a human being.

Its intersting how similar the actions are.

After destroying that alter ego it should have been clear that I was no longer capable of working in the sex industry, that I had no alter to work in and that any experiences would be experienced by my real Self and as I was deprogramming, that would be my Core Self which had been compartmentalized since childhood and really never developed.

That is why its been so important to re-condition me via humiliation, torture, harassment, shaming and sexualizing me, like the harassers trying to make me feel like I am percieved as nothing but a sex worker. This is due to the slave’s programming breaking down and the cult or whoever they are wanting to get the person under control again and it seems someone wants me to be reprogrammed as a sex worker again.
Its important for them to destroy everything else that is part of me so that all that is left is what they have been forming via all the things mentioned above. It seems I do have a choice however- I can be a whore as my true Self or I can totally leave any kind of sensual life or existence that is tied to the spirit and be a shell that works, saves conforms and is a part of society that has no mind of her own. A non entity really. Just going through the motions of life. Not really living or feeling anything.

These are not very attractive choices. The other creepy thing involved is that there is a sense of love from somewhere, within the ideations being sent out to return to the sex industry. Its someone that keeps putting forward the idea that regular society will never accept me nor understand me and that I am much more like them or this group whoever they are, that I am a sensual sexual female that isnt capable of anything else all day long anyway.

Then why does the sexual feelings that I get feel so much like living under domination? Or having to give up one’s Will? Its more mind control, more like a cult trying to make me one of them, than something pleasurable and fascinating. Its sexual coersion is what it is and its been beating me down since 2003. Really ever since I was targeted overtly, since my family, my psychiatrist and people in NA all who knew me all were involved in my life for years- whenTHEY abondoned me, when THEY started gaslighting me, and messing with my head concerning the nature of the harassment, when they all moved away from me so that the organized stalking cud move in,totally isolate me and begin conditioning me- take over my life day to day; when that happened then that is when this system really started to beat me down, break me down to condition me.

Whoever it is seems to have this sick love for me and is trying to convinvce me that since I dont have any other life, that I ‘belong’ to this cult or group. And its always all about sex. Giving in totally to the domination of this force that has vbeen harssing me for years on end. Its totally sexual and its very powerful and does not stop. You might think that sounds good but only if a person has been hurt,isolated and thier Will limited and thier freedom interfered with does it even seem an option. Its brainwashing thats all. I am still strong enough to recall having a sexual relationship with Jake. If I focus on that they cant touch me. That is back when I had myown Will. When I was an equal with somone, when I talked with someone, fought with someone, had sex with someone that reflected a TRUST in a male and that sexual relationship consisted of expressing our dualing Wills as artists, intelligent beings and brats. Dualing and creating together. He wanted the secuction by the babysitter or ‘mommy’ just as much as I wanted to be punished for some nautiness by ‘daddy’ or taken hold of as a student on some campus. And other times there was no imagination involved, just we two, existing as lovers, no mental activity or creating roles. I instinctively took his breath into my lungs. I have looked up at him over my for hours in the sunlight wondering if the gods themselves spun his hair of gold and in the rainy days when he would be looking far off and create bringme into his audient existence opposed to my visual one by making me hear the rain outside he had been listening to all along.

Whoever is doing this is going to fail with either my victory or my death. Jake may have been to stoned to recall any of it and when he got clean to smart and business minded to pass up an opportunity to sell me out for opportunity but as the years pass if he isnt totally brain dead from joining the system, he may just be cursed to recall those years..most likely not kmowing him. He’ll get comfortable with whatever reality gives him the most stabiltiy and securtiy..like him never being able to tell hisw mother to stick it and leavce home. Hes an emotionald coward and always was one. I dont care much about his verstion of events becuz he gains alot from recalling them in oppositon to my versions. I know that none of these peole are going to come out and say they were part of a viscous conspiracy/plot of evil design including rich kids, trust fund kids in NA, my family and all thier crimimal connections, the cops, Julie and her clients who are powerful and many very dangerous and Julies new handlers via Paul, Sheldon and that family tnat likes to take all her momney now with Colin sealing her fate with Marg and the other golddiggers. She’s controled and probably likes it atha way kowsing her.

These people wud sell out ANYONE for security and greed. Its just who I was surrounded by. My mother is just like Jake and Julie with diffent dyn amics like Julie is smart in business like Jake and ust as greedy, but Jake is more likemy mother in his dependecy on his family who really just kept him down. They all share one common trait- they are greedy beyond belief. THAT is who my friends, family and lovers consisted of. I just didnt know any better nor did I understand how controling each of these people were..or how they arrogant they were as to think they controlled me so they could sell me out.

I have been having nothing b ut trouble with this draft. The page keeps going to the top and only me typing brings it back to where I am writing again. Also its incredibly slow typing and backspacing a dead giveaway that there is probably a key stroke tracker somehow on this.

Its my birthday and I have been especially effected from the typical wanting to use drugs to the hard time that RA survivors have with certain holidays. And you can go to an NA meeting but just try to find a therapist that will help you with RA/being targeted. I tried that and unlike all those special and lucky survivors who seem to find therapists and wonderful people to give them refuge while they write their stories, I got totally shut down by everyone. The whole fucking country turned on me and everyone turned away from me. People I contacted as survivor of programming either didnt want to help me, said they couldnt legally or would actually change thier mission statement on thier websites to EXCLUDE ANYONE WHO HAD been ritually abused or tortured or thier situation was in any way connexted to “a state actor”. This one group of activists supposedly helping and rescuing survivors wwere especially hard on me and were not only mean but changed their mission staement to abuse by “NON STATE ACTORS”. She wrote me and mentioned CIA like a few other people did. Gimme proof b*tch or choke on your words.
I looked up her picture and she was photographed very singularly, looked like a Grand Dame if I ever saw one and was dressed in black and red in the photo. Her partner in the activist group was more like a weaker female underling. They claim to be nurses who want to help people. They are in Canada and during me beintg destroyed in Brighton, Scott kept a number in his cell phone that was Canadian and I thought it looked like the same number. One of the women also used a tactic Scott used and others had which is to attack what I said by saying it was “pathetic”. Watch out cuz your on my shit list ladies. And time will tell as will my story who is full of sh*t and who is not, who is an infiltrating liar workin for the man as you claim to be working for us, and who is really a freedom fighter.

Its obvious that the survivor gets recycled not only for human experimentation but entertainment andeventually the system is planning that all this invasion of privacy and constant harssment will result in new mind controlled sex slave via brain damage and outside controls. If other survivors talk about hearing a snuff film planned as the last profit to be made off of them, then why would I be any different? Gang stalking IS a snuff operation and it seems to serve as entertainment so its rthe same thing. The harassment eventually wipes out the true Self and leaves you with only what the peoplen behind the stalking want: a clean slate, a mindless easily controllable whore or souless worker bee in the hive known as our normal society. Its one thing to join society and Willfully take part, its another to do so out of being harassed or tortured into it. ANY lifestyle or new ‘self’ chosen by these means is very destructive to the person and limits the full range of expression via free Will.
Its llike this new version of mind control slavery. My mother the 6’1″ tyranical monster always used to use this mind control/coersion technique, which is to make me feel like I wasnt behaving or thinking right by saying “You have a CHOICE..” very firmly. “You always have a CHOICE”…and this is teh kind of situation exactly..the ‘choices’ are shitty and none of them reflect the victim’s free Will- they all reflect a controlled outcome that the abusive athority figure puts foward. This is to not only divert the victims attention from the fact that the abuser is controlling them and the outcome but to give teh captive the illusion of ‘choice’ while still being controlled by the abuser. It also is one of the many tactics that my mother used to make me feel like I wasnt being responsible or that I wasnt doing what I was supposed to do. I would rightfully feel trapped, controlled and abused. When she could tell I knew this right on the verge of me seeing that it was a holding area or jail cell basically, she would quikcly pull my mind towards the idea of I always have a choice. This is one of her “stop feeling bad for yourself” tactics and Julie used to use the same shit once in a while when she wanted to feel superior on any given day. This is a woman who cries and draws attention from a whole room full of people as TJ pullls a splinter our of her foot. I know its a dramatic act to add to the ‘Madam’ persona but its a little disgusting when someone REALLY struggling decides to feel bad on a given day. Its good for people who keep up with the system’s demands and do as tehy are told by the criminal element til the day they die. All that fawning by HANDLERS (I have seen people ignore her kid until she walks into the room then on a dime start drooling over him. How big is this damn cult anyway? Its totally f*cked how many people handle valuable ‘assets’. Its unbeleivable how big this is and how many people, who seem to use the exact same techniques, are involved in this.)
My mother wa by far a bigger monster than J ever culd be. Other than feeling bad for people when they are sick she has no other reedeeming qualities at all, outside of being ‘my mother’ which has a value I cannot escape due to mother nature. At least J had a brain in her head that wasnt JUST all about crime and being a self absorbed asshole. She had other interests and was infinitley amusing..before she got married and handled by this greedy family that turned her into Jabba the Hut.
My point was that “you have a choice” is a tactic to draw the victim away from the fact that thier ‘choices’ are being made for them by thier captor. And I notice that this system uses many of the same tactics my mother and my family did. Like building on the originaly buildingh blocks that the survviors family of origin put up to begin with. This is why its so important to kknow as much as possible about the targeted survivor. The psych warfare campaign has to be tayored to that person in order to gain full control.

My mother was in a cult as I recall from memory when I was very little and its possible that the same cult has control of her or another she has fallen into the clutches of another one. It is feel very probable that I am used for human experimentation as am smart enough to fight the system and determined enough to keep fighting. I am ‘awake’ so to speak and thier main focus seems to be to find what will put me to “sleep” or keep me down. It may be part of the experimentation to see how long I fight or how I fight. Either this is a war between factions or its testing and experimentation flat out.

I recall that my mother was very pleased when I was being harassed -she said “THEY’re afraid of you”. So like other cultish parents of mind control babies she is very proud of her messed up little daughter its very common for the cult to have people like my mother who seem to take pride in rebellion. I recall growing up that anything I did that was slick or rebellius especailly that was clever seemed to get approval from her moreso than me wanting a good or normal life. Anything good I tried to do for myself was recieved with the attitude that I was being prissy Polly Pureheart or something. My mother makes no sense at all unless I finally admit to myself she is mostly straight up Satanic in nature and that is the end of it. Jake didnt say her face looked “evil” like a skeleton for nothing.

What I recall is that I was not allowed to have these Dracula comic books one time in Roslidale. I thought it was very strange that those comics were such a big deal. Her taking things away from me that I liked or was genuinely interested in was common anyway. But this was different. It was like something done out of technique or a step in a process opposed to justy random.
And I also recalled some memories that didnt get destroyed via mold and gangstalking- one I had before my mind went from damage was of her driving me to doctors offices, in Brookline I think, but also to other places, in that brown duster of hers and some other car she had once- she would have me cover my eyes so that I couldnt see where we werwe going, like how to get there or how to leave. It was really f*cked up and it certianly added to my fear as an adult. I obeyed like the good kid I am, which is why the sysetm is so mean to me..they know that I am a good kid who will probably be a good little trooper if harassed enough. I am betting on that Polly Pureheart side of me she always hated to get done what needs to be done. Ha ha.

Anyway, just that memory alone shows there was defininelty something weird and corrupt going on…and dont try to say it was a drug dealers house for her pot, coke or ludes becus I was exposed to those fully with no problem. The best she wud do to protect me was leave me out in the car while she bought weed. Not as traumatic as people see it nowadays. Its those rides to the psychiatrists and doctors where I had to shut my eyes that was traumatic.

If you dont beliee me abvout the drug dealers houses and apartments here: on of the things that my mother assisted in gettin me targeted for is that whoecer taped me in my apartment to see what I knew or didnt know must have told her I was recalling early memories, as I had little recall before the age of 6, becuz after recalling one of her drug dealers houses in my apartment as part of my self therapy or writing down memories, soon after part of her freak out on me was her screaming “I WILL NOT BE CONDEMNED BY YOU” and then sayihg “I never abused you as a child” out of nowhere, with her hand on her big chest, that arrogant body language I wil live to recall and hate for the rest of my life. She used to put her hand on her chest like she was just soooo self absorbed. Like when she said “I” in that sentence she put her hand on her chest, like Ms Pigggy saying “Moi?” to Kermie the frog. That is how ridiculous she was sometimes with being a Leo. Its disgusting.
An acting job is what seh was made for, not motherhood. B*tch.
Anyway I know that whoever was spying on me, most likely those genuises who were used by this system of truly dangerous people, to try to get people in the fed investigation. Eithetr that or cops on the take trying to find out what I was up to, worth bribing or what I knew to protect all J’s rich clients. I hope they discovered the surprise of thier lives and some black helecopter b*llshit came down on thier asses, like in Predator 2 where Busey tells Glover he’ll end up missing if he keeps being a cop cuz this aint business as usual flat foot. Of all the bad shit that happened to me, that would give me dying pleasure.. to know that the Boston PO and Pettitis people and Jakes people got their asses handed to them for messing with a mind controlled slave. It might me my only consilation. My only revenge…when ‘strange’ things started to happen to them and thier buddies,or mysterious accidents..or people getting MS.. or even cancer for instance. Hardy har har…this is a vengeful god after all. Or more likely there are people who like playing that role as they have so much money and power, what is left to amuse…yer welcome to my enemies guys. More than welcome anytime. The cancer one has been done so many times…but it never loses its touch does it. Its still the perfect touch of death. And dont think that the gods arent fickle. I fully expect the possiblity of something f*cked up happening to me once I get the bood finished. Cancer…free morphine and a straight shot to an assisted suicide..NO PROBLEM.

Yeah, the drug dealers houses…always nice back in teh 70’s. There was one downtown, before the drug wars where Florida was involved and I was a kid so I know very little except my uncle knows alot more. Not the one who deals pot who married my stupid aunt who gets pimped by black trash like Honey, but the other one who married the brute from Somerville. Now you see what that family needs a whitewash like Christen Noel….and a sacrificial lamb like Rachael. Some sacrifices come back from the dead…from hell. To piss you off further, worse then you ever imagined before. going throught hell on earth has a way of doing that.
That Germanic/Norsk metal I have come to like so much. People laugh at the corpse paint but I did some research a while ago and in ancient Germanic lore there were warriors that would die and come back in this form…of the dead. Much of what is expressed in music is what pagan roots the churches did NOT destroy. They are simply expressing a natural ancient part of thier culture..and its only so evil becuz its a different world now, the modern world. Eurpoean people including us here in the US are actively discouraged all along life to supress the ancient belief systems and ways..often the ties to the past are so strong that these things come up naturally without being taught. I must have thoguth I was crazy as a 18 year old, seeing spirits in trees and such. Later, after such beautiful ancient vision is destroyed by the crusher, the machine that MAKES Judeo- Christian Americann society work, sadly one cannot see anything at all and eventually they beat us down so that we dont even see the trees anymore, except as ornaments to a city landscape. Sick.

One drug dealers house I recalled very clearly..and I made a joke that in our era, Gen X’s time, people had condoms by the huge roll I saw in someones apartment and was amused…but back in the 70’s people had rolling papers by the huge roll like that. I guess I was not conshus of what I was remembering becuz someone must have told my mother I was recalling deales houses in detail becuz she freaked out after that. Yeah, the guy had an apartment downtown, you went in through the back door in an alley, there was a huge roll of papers hangning off this thing like for paper towels, the guy had a bong in the shape of a skull, seramic, and a dog- a golden collie I believe or a Labrodor. I recall becuz my sadistic mother thought it was funny that the dog was trying to hump me all the time but I just wud say “oh look mummy he’s dancing with me” and hold his paws over my shoulders. Yeah it must have been funny, but are you too stoned to defend yer kid? Or did I, even then look too much like Danny and was easy to reject? Well, getting me to tell jokes at Ken’s like “Why do Ginny’s get on the ground and put thier asses in the air? So that people have a place to park thier bicycles”. Funny except for the fact she was always calling me “ginny” and being jealous of my coloring in the summer.
And being pissed of when in the north end the bakeries would give me extra pasteries becuz I was an actual ‘bambino’ but none for her becuz it was obvious not only was she not Italian but she was an obnoxious slut. Who obviously was not a good mom and wanted only to be treated like the baby NOT treat her baby.

I will also not forget or forgive an NA member who seeemed like on of the Italians in on my being targeted, who was part of that annoying Newton NA group, the one that PI John and his dog faced million-heiress girlfriend walked out of due to them being part of framing me or selling my ass out at that time. This jerk was doing directed sharing for christs sake. You would not believe the lengths that perps will go to or where they will infultrate…there was this whole obnoxious crowd infiltrating NA at that time, alot of them younger. The older people could not believe the way I was being treated..but they felt powerless to stop it..thats what mobbing is. It doesnt matter if hte kids worked on behalf of their rich parents the elite, if they were part of a privately hired force for either Jake or Julie and her clients to help get rid of me, or if they were CIA or military. They were performing part of a psychological warfare campaign and that is all. As for ‘directed sharing’ in NA meetings, its just like ‘directed conversation’ without someone to talk back. Just one person. ANd its really nasty too.
This Italian looking guy from Newton kept making reference to “and I always liked being the baby”. I was always being messed with so I naturallly went for mother figures like my sponsor and when the harassment got really bad I went for the ultimate mothers- the older Jewish women. They were sympathetic longer towards me than anyone else…I dont know if they were in on it or trying to help while being forced to go along..I still dont understand. They dropped some clues though. THIS is what the guy was referring to in that meeting. It was mean too becuz I was being harassed and targeted out of my life and didnt understand what was happening. So this element of jerks has to make me look like a soul sucking type of person who wants to be babied..WHILE I am being terorized. This f*cker knew better and I am very suspect due to many people with the same Italian look…that mob look- around the area and even in AZ when I moved there. This one idiot in Central Square just walked by me and said “When you got nothin, you got nothin left to lose”. Then coming out of a library in Tempe AZ a guy with the same look was coming out and I was going in- he looks at me quick as he passes and says “Loser”.
I will never forget that this infamous old perp that everyone knew about except me one the conference calls, tried to make that seem like a symptom of schizophrenia.
Thats the guy on the calls that keeps saying “its all microwaves” all the time and he likes to send people audio cds that are supposed to be for helping the targeting but its suspect as the other things he says are not like a fellow TI or someone who wants to help you out.

Thisisthe guy who would slip becuz he was impressed or felt sympathey for me due to me being smart. “YOUr very smart”. And then he would slip and say that “they are doing it to everybody” like he knew this was part of mass mind control. Then other times he wud slip perp stuff into converstation, like:”Yeah, I am trying to cure schizophrenics” and he would say this very…underhanded. Sneak it in reallly. Then he would use what I told him above as an example of why I was crazy..”like someone who thinks people are walking by her saying ‘loser’.” So you can see why one has to be careful in the TI forums and activist groups.

The main point of gang stalking is to get the TI either labeled or to at least get most people to agree that they are functional schizophrenics or bi-polar….something where thier testimony will be ignored and disbelieved. Its important for the operatives to make sure that people see a smart TI for being just that..smart if not brilliant- becuz this makes that ‘beautiful mind’ crap all the more plausible as a story line. That schizo’s are brilliant but go crazy and this also explains away memory loss…or that you are smart but have a heavy trauma history as welll as some minor disorder like bipolar. NEVER is programming, trauma based mind control and anything metaphysical going to be fully accepted…if they dcan help it.

I started this post at like 3 pm and with all the interuptions its taken me this long. The typing is very delayed like I said prob a key stroke thing. What can I do?
Anywy as usual whatever I am hit with very badly during like 2pm and 4″30 seems to stop at 5 for good. Its very bad durig those hours and I dont know why.

So this was supposed to be about RA survivors or programming survivors having trouble during holidays and birthdays. My bday is almost over. It was awful….the RA issues came up as welll as real pulling to go use drugs.
ANd no one can help withe RA survivor thing. Who would understand?

We are just all supposed to be delusional and crazy remember?
We dont need more discovery of RA what we need is a grey area so survivors can heal.

I almost feel like survivors are being studies or used for bait to catch hte cults and stop all RA. This is not good for survivors and its not going to help. Humans are animals and you cant astop these cults…and using survivors as lab rats is just cruel not solving the problem.

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~ by onmc on February 28, 2010.

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