More activity in recent days

The remote influence is so powerful here and you cant fight it but its NOT overtly sadistic.
Unlike Boston or Phoenix they are not hitting me hard with ideations of becoming either a prostitute or a submissive slave who will seek all kinds of depravity without complaint. Or St Louis MO where I can never go back to as the influence there was strictly concerned with torturing me outright and getting me to end up in a hotel room with my wrists sliced..always I pictured a hot tub for some reason and of course I had to be naked. When I was living at 335 Washington St Brighton MA where this all turned horrible and 24/7 and overboard, I recall that I did have the same flash visions with connected ideations- kill yourself and do it in the bathtub by slicing your wrists. Interestingly, when those moments occured I was never feeling bad or suicidal.

Its powerful influence here but its a mix of ideations. Sometimes as you see from posts, it goes into trying to push me into activities connected to sex. Strangely I rarely have any sexual feelings where I am staying now but when I visit the day center and in the past if spending a long time there I sexual feelings become present with heavy ideations about getting a boyfriend locally. Strange. Hanging out with women I am friendly with there distracts me from this lately so spend little time alone there now but when I did this was the norm of the influence espeically if I hung out in the back gate area.
But the sexual content seems to depend on location within the downtown area that day center specifically.
There is alot of jamming in this city epsecially in the library. When walking around downtown however and in general for San Diego, the main ‘message’ seems to be that I am nothing, no one is going to believe my story and that I am a relative peon in the big picture, as well as something touching on me having to start realizing I am just one person in a huge ocean of humans on earth and in this society. This is especially pushed in San Diego donwtown and I actually get an example of sorts to focus on and that is the comparison of an ocean with fish and schools of fish to the human population. (Navy base near downtown..Hmmmmm.)

Me being a Pisces but with much more earth and fire than water, and having a natural fear of water since childhood, of water boats and the ocean taking my life, I of course reject this immediately as it reminds me of underwater scenes which make me feel like I am being smothered. F*ckers..I hate that. Under the ocean is pretty- yeah, from a damn TV set. And I do have an affinity for boats and naval stuff..but not in this damn life and I am not drowning just yet. Damn it. Also I highly suspect my fear of water is due to what the bastards do to when yer small and they program peopl-you dont want to know.
So thier little analogy gets shot down by me immediately as I sm NOT a fish but a human being and this is NOT the ocean, its Terra f*cking Firma and I plan to keep my feet firmly on the ground. Hoofing it is always best compared to swimming. And if I was a fish I would sting the other fish or eat them as a shark or perhaps excel as a dolphin..you idiots. Yeah, a dolphin shark. A hybrid..thats what I would be. Half of both. Not some part of a school that all looks alike. WTF?
Now these bastards who are doing this KNOW those of us TI’s who are individualists and they must know that a thought like that is torturous to our natures. Its sick.

Here in this big tent the city puts up for the winter season, the ideations have been concerning Jake lately and much torture over that little matter. We use outdoor bathrooms which is very good becuz its awesome when I go out to use it and when I get outside these feelings over my ex or my situation in general or missing my family all of a sudden dissipate and of course return only upon my walking into the tent again. There is a cell phone tower nearby and there is satellite tv box with big screen tv inside tent.
Oh you should experience the lovelorn Romeo and Juliet crap I have to go through..that of course stops when I leave the tent to use the john..wtf? Its so ridiculous these dramas they have set up. Jake is just north of here in LA supposedly so I have to admit with my being sensitive to physical structures like land, buildings and bodies it might be that I am too close to his physical presence as our interactions were highly physical. But the emotional end of what I am experiencing is just ridiculous. It consists of me being still connected to him and if I look at some guy here thats cute I get this ripping flash in my mind of stupid Jake. And of course then that goes into some connectedness between us, that we are still connected, that he is also that lovelorn over me, that he is somehow wanting to get in touch with me or back together…its all ridiculous when one puts logic to this. That man made his decision concerning his actions and just as I expected from him he made a wise business decision concerning his future. I know Jake, he has no more concern over what he did than Julie does. Everyone around me was a self absorbed jerk including myself but I was changing. These jerks were not trying to change…and that includes my mother. Those or 3 key people that betrayed me that had the most keys to my insides. That is why the system used them agaisnt me and, obviously continues to do so. This system has been utilizing Jake’s image for years and sucking me dry energy wise in the process. Also its used to keep me under control, like some sort of chastity belt. The end to these means is to try to get me to be with someone who is gentle and nice. The system takes the best of Jake’s qualities and exemplifies them and mentally is trying to get me to form the perfect man. A Christian man almost but since they know that I wont go for that overtly they keep pushing all those qualities in my mental and emotional ideation of this ‘perfect man’ for me and believe it that this system is pushing for MARRIAGE not just a relationship. Of course after years of being tortured for my sexual past by sadistic men, the system knows that a woman would naturally become tired of always fighting in her masculine side and surrender to some sort of guardianship from a male. One that doesnt hurt her like the past has or the whole world it seems from a TI perspective. Its also useful to keep the TI isolated and in solitary confinement…it serves to keep me from moving on when everyone else involved has moved on (I assume). I have callled these people’s phones at different times in the past. They all sound like they are doing just fine and living thier lives.
You have to remember that the rest of the world considers me to have “gone crazy” and its no longer a concern of thiers. Its what Julie warned me about by using the phrase “goes crazy” in her warning as well as perps who play me or handle me have described my entry into this hell as ‘when you went crazy’ and the like. Itsa way for the system to cover their asses when they basically sell someone out to this system, let the sysetm isolate them and then keep them in basically a solitary confinement as the target is experimented on or behavior modified. I am totally confident that when I ’emerge’ as a new person and ‘get my life together’ that everyone will just excuse that part of my life as having ‘gone crazy’ etc. These people know damn well that its a behavior modification program that also is part of human experimentation and is based on torture and brain damage and destroying the TI’s talents and lowering thier intelligence. This is why suicide and disclosure and the best ‘f-you’ you can give the system. Killing me outright would have been preferable.

Aside from utilizing the people closest to me as weapons, long after the fact of the events years ago there is other activity in the location I am in now.

THere is some sort of targeting going on that seems to affect my heart. I believe I posted that anxiety that seems induced comes along in the mornings and that has been used before in St Louis MO. But also at night there seems to be something as of the last week that affects my heart. It may be hte bit of mold that is residual from the rains here of late. San Diego doesnt have a drainage system like back east so one day of rain and everything floods. Its kind of sweet actually that they are so lax about weather. Bostonians have a ‘batton down the hatches’ attitude towards weather. Its a very serious and dramatic affair. The blizzard of 78 is still like a badge of courage.

Also a few days ago when ai started this post I wsa having dreams as I woke up that lingered as ideations- that the kind of music I listen to is torturous and so I am self torturing, that I should give up listening ot metal and other hard music. Gee that is interesting condering that being a targeted individual I was driven basically into using battle music to survive this…there is also an interesting storya agbout how I discovered the most extreme music I listen to and I didnt find it by accident that is for sure.

And this all ceases when I walk outside and continues when I go back into the tent. Hmmmmm.

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~ by onmc on March 16, 2010.

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